This post is actually about spoons. Sorry to disappoint. Actually its about most major utensils and their relationship to food.

I have long classified foods differently then most of the world. Rather than use the food pyramid to create food groups or even the more chef-like starch, protein, vegetable & sugar, I establish food types by which utensil is customarily necessary to eat it. I have five basic food groups; spoon, fork, knife, hand & straw.

Naturally some cross over and any of them can be prepared in a variety of ways that defy my standard classification. For the most part I group it by what you would need if a normal, sane, non-argumentative human being prepared it. A sampling of my methodology is as follows:

Hand Food

  • Sandwiches
  • Chips
  • Pretzels
  • Most varieties of raw fruits and vegetables (notable exceptions – avocado. Avocado is not a hand food. It’s slippery as well, avocado, because its really slippery.)
  • Candy
  • Sushi

Spoon Food

  • Ice Cream
  • Cereal
  • Soup
  • Chili (If this is a Fork Food for you, you’re doing it wrong.)
  • Yogurt
  • Cottage Cheese
  • Curry

Fork Foods

  • Lasagna
  • Meatballs
  • Cake (There is some contest as to whether this is a fork or a spoon food. But because I like squishing the crumbs between the tines of the fork, this is a Fork Food for me.)
  • Pasta
  • Most varieties of cooked fruits and vegetables

Knife Food

  • Most varieties of meat, cooked or raw (Notable exception: tartare which is normally ingested with a spoon…and E. coli.)
  • Butter
  • Really poorly cooked pasta

Straw Food

  • Milk
  • Soda
  • Juice
  • Milk Shakes
  • Technically speaking, literally everything can be made in straw form if you don’t have issues with meat paste and texture isn’t a thing for you.

Now cheese is tricky. Cheese is to my food world what ice is to the physics world. Ice can be a gas, a liquid and a solid simultaneously. Cheese can be a Hand, Fork, Spoon and Knife Food. I suppose if you are really strange, it could be a Straw Food too. As evidenced by the video above. I’m sure that burger had cheese on it. I suppose you could also suck up melted Velveeta via straw. Actually the more I think about it, the more I think the Straw Food category is incredibly creepy. And gross. Just on potential alone.

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