Dear eHarmony Users,

Standard

I’m sure that there are many of you who understand what you are doing as you explore the world of online dating. Myself being a recent return to the dating scene, I may have missed a memo or two on how things are done nowadays. But in the four years I’ve been off the market I’m pretty sure the rules of grammar have not changed. When you write your profile, you are, in essence, making your first impression on every lady who clicks your name. It might behoove you to ensure that those first words at least are both spelled correctly and obey the very basic rules of grammar. If third graders can grasp the concept, I’m sure men in the prime of their lives can as well.Your and you’re are not interchangeable. For the record, neither are  lose and loose, their and they’re, or two, too, and to.

On a related note, I wrote my profile very intentionally. Thus it is important that you read my profile. If during our conversation you ask me a question to which the answer can be found within the first section of my profile, it will irk me. I appreciate your attempt to make decent conversation, but I will know you failed to read my profile. That’s one of the perks of online dating. You get the basic info out of the way in one swoop. “Do you have children?” No. No, actually I don’t. I just clicked that button for fun-sies, just to see what would happen.

Pictures of your nostril, jokes about your cat’s sex life, and quippy anecdotes about your last girlfriend aren’t really good ways to endear me to you. Seriously. I’m archiving you.

When asked to list things that are important to you, go ahead and assume people will read your list as a ranking system. The list God, Nascar, Family, and Dog does not a positive picture paint of a genuine and cultured individual. I’m archiving you.

If you feel the need to say I’m funny once you get to know me, chances are pretty great you are not that funny. I’m archiving you.

If you feel the need to say I’m really a nice guy if you get close to me, means I’m going to be the one doing all the talking for the first seven dates and you then assume I’m self-absorbed. Fantastic. I’m archiving you.

I’m still optimistic that there’s a chance at love, companionship, and partnership out there for me. I’m slightly more pessimistic that I’ll find it on e-Harmony. Damn those commercials with happy couples and catchy tunes. Damn them!

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About jennteee

Jenn Tylbon is a geek, a writer, and a red-head. She lives in Oklahoma City with her family. She is constantly seeking the balance between family, writing and finding & destroying all Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies with her face. For more info on her go to about.me/geekjennt

3 responses »

  1. Love this! I wish you could really get it ‘out there’, to the ones who need it. Maybe you could convince eharmony to have it be required reading before guys make their profiles?….

    Hang in there. Of the fourteen kazillion men on the planet (that’s an accurate guess, right?) I’m sure there is one out there who fits you! Let’s skim off the top all of the prison inmates, men who live in the African wilderness herding sheep (they already have too many wives anyway) and men who are married but seem to forget that small fact. I’m sure there are a handful still left who don’t fit the above criteria, right?

    I’m rooting for you!!!

    Keep laughing about it, and the vibe of your joy will bring the right one along….

    Judy
    justonefoot.blogspot.com

  2. I don’t have personal experience with eharmony, but my husband does. When we first started redating (he was my first boyfriend ever and we reconnected 14 years later) he mentioned he had tried online dating and eharmony in particular. Apparently they refunded his money after a few months because they could not find one match for him. We reconnected soon after that and have now been happily married for two years. So, if the first couple of “Mr. Rights” aren’t even ” Mr Moderately Oks”, take hope. My eharmony reject is the very best find and a nice guy to boot! There are still good ones out there!
    Jenni

    P.S. Did I mention I am chubby, broke, have three kids and a nasty ex-husband? 😉

  3. If I wasn’t 52 yrs old and broken down with disability . . . enough about me! I love an intelligent woman with the balls to call herself a geek, and after reading some of your stuff you ARE a geek! You are funny and smart, I only wish I was 20 yrs younger and several thousand miles closer.
    What ever, great stuff! Keep it up. I only want to offer love and encouragement. I loved a female geek once, and let her go . . .

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